First, Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask..

…before you try to help others. This is what the flight attendants on airplanes remind us before we take off. It’s a good metaphor for dealing with the kind of issues that seep into your life when you are living with someone scarred by battle.

Spouses or families with a PTSD affected person need to have their own lives in working order, if they are to be able to deal with problems that arise and not feel they are always living in survival mode in another person’s life movie. The nature of war – once again – is a survival mode. To live in that state constantly is the equivalent of chronic stress or permanent flight/flight response.

So, how do I take care of me first without appearing selfish? Well, it can be tricky. Here are some priorities I try to keep in mind:

1. In a true emergency, it is necessary to drop my things to help. (Yes, you have to learn the difference between life & death and being blackmailed.)

2. If I have to do something really important for my job or career, I do a lot of preparation to insure my spouse will be okay. I sometimes have to travel as far away as other continents for work. I have not found it helpful to explain why I must do this. However, the key to success is making it clear that I am doing a double house cleaning, washing every article of clothing, bedding, etc., filling the refrigerator, alerting the vet & necessary support personnel, reminding family where our wills and directives are located, and leaving adequate funds that he will want for naught. And, I never take my toothbrush out of the master bathroom.

3. I do not use reason to discuss my work or motivations for doing things I need to do. There is nothing I can explain when the operational situation is a question of control. Long ago, I found that sometimes it is actually easier to do what I need to do and take a little heat than to try to be convincing ahead of time (okay, this may just be me – in any case – but it works).

4. I insure that things he really derives joy from are available to him. There are magazines, people, his lawn tractor, BBQ ribs and various other things and experiences that matter to him. I notice these things and make sure he does not go without anything we can manage.

5. I make sure the things that are really important to me are there for me…within reason. I know what I can and cannot live without. I cannot live without 10 or 15 hours of exercise/dance per week, or without coffee, or without going wherever work takes me, or helping anyone I can. But, I do not jeopardize our well-being for something that I just selfishly want. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEED AND WANT.

6. The work is hard enough, so don’t get into the drama. The universe is full of energy; there is plenty of it to get your work done and live well. Don’t waste it where you can’t get anything out of it.

7. I love my husband, so I am not going anywhere. Once I resolved that, things became a lot easier. It’s a trap to be indecisive about this.

8. Don’t look back with regret. It is astonishing what my husband lost in order to defend our country. But, from here on we can only make new memories and habits. There is no “what if.”

9. I accept that the only thing I can fix is myself.

I hope this helps. Let me hear from you.

The “Emotional Shards” of War

Welcome to my mind. Once again, the NY Times has published an article about PTSD. Today an article entitled “When Minds Snap” by Erica Goode appeared on the first Week in Review page. Once again, a perfectly well-educated and literate person revealing that she has identified a phenomenon that pervades the nature of war. War is horrible and you cannot escape the damage when you are exposed to it, even at some distance.

I am perpetually amazed/harassed/annoyed/something or whatever that it is so hard to get out the message that the reason war is so bad is because it kills and maims people, and that not all the death is physical.

I do not intend to be annoyed, but somehow I am. I am annoyed because we are involved in wars today because of people who didn’t really go during Vietnam because they knew it wasn’t in their best interest to go. I am grateful that President Obama is willing to let the computer models play out before he commits the lives of the young to the prospect that they will end in emotional shards.

There was a time when battle mattered. But, most combatants died on the field and resources were gained. Little is gained these days. Battle is a vestige of behavior that mattered in the same way the biblical command to “go forth and multiply” mattered. Long ago, these things became not useful.

How can I help? This is the only important question that I have. If you are a family member of a person dealing with the impact of their war experience, please let me know what you are facing. We are starting to have another horrendous flashpoint in our culture. It is the best interest of warriors to be something that is incompatible with “civilized” society. We must be ready to help these people, whether they are new to our group of damaged minds or are recognizing for the first time that the past exposure really did happen.