Points of Contact

Recently I was talking to another spouse of a veteran with PTSD and I mentioned that I found I could reach my husband by creating “points of contact” that were new. She asked what I meant by the term “points of contact?” I struggled a bit to explain it…I think it is something I have done unconsciously. But, thanks to my friend, I have verbalized it now and realize that as a technique for living a more normal life, it may be helpful to others.

Creating Points of Contact – Example number one: Shortly after we became a couple, we took a vacation together with my parents. During the vacation we swam in the ocean. At the time I was training for triathlons and my husband liked to snorkle. So we went way out in the ocean. My parents watched us from the balcony of the hotel. Later, at dinner, they told us that we went so far out they started to worry. We were safe; the water was not very deep and we are both strong swimmers. But, we probably did go out about a 1/2 mile from shore. The memory of that day’s swim – how we enjoyed it, the strong response from my parents, and the fact that it was unconnected to anything else – has become a touch stone for us.

A Point of Contact is a mutual experience we have that helps us connect with each other and feel good.

I realized from this event that there were ways to make new memories. It’s not always easy because there are times when even the best of times have trouble crowding out the fear-tension-pain syndrome that can take over the whole veteran. But, once there were enough of these Points of Contact, my ability to bring my husband into the present became more powerful.

Here are some more examples of things we have succeeded in making into Points of Contact:

• Doing the fox trot in the kitchen. Yes, we actually took a ballroom dance class…it is a good muscle-bonding experience. This is a phenomenon that happens when soldiers are at war. Muscle-bonding also happens when you are dancing with others or work out together on a sports team. Doing the fox trot turns out to be preferable to arguing.

• Giving money to charities that mean something to us. Because PTSD causes such need in the individual, giving is a gesture that can really break some of its hold. We give to AmVets and other causes that allow us to feel we are giving back. Recently we began doing this instead of giving presents to most of our family and friends at the holidays. It has helped us transition into a new stage of life.

• Mentoring young people. Studies indicate that mentoring is most effective when it happens naturally, so we only do this when it is happenstance. We have helped out some of the interns that come into my office, or provided additional parenting for neighborhood kids. Sometimes we have made substantial contributions to a young person’s well-being; other times, we have just listened a lot.

• We try out new restaurants and when we find some place we both like, we become regulars. How regular depends on the prices!

• Test our memory of people we see in movies or on TV. We try to recall what other films or show they may have been on and when we first noticed them. These people don’t mean anything to us, but it helps establish the passage of time, something we find helpful.