Memorial Day 2017: The land of the free because of the brave. This saying rests over a photo of my husband’s ship entering Havana harbor in the 1950s (before his service). It is a touchstone for him and a reminder to me of my task as the spouse of a PTSD veteran: Living with War.
It has been five years since I last posted to this blog. At that point, I had said everything I knew about my task. I had passed on what I could about problem-solving, and we lived a pretty smooth existence.
But in the time since, my husband and I have aged from 65 to 70, and our country has become locked into a seemingly permanent yet new type of at-war status, including within the nation itself. Recently, our society has moved away from a circle of equality, caring and free speech to a rigid hierarchy of me, people I like, and others who must be squashed.
I am reminded yet again that the disrespect for life war engenders is its horror.
On this day, we especially honor those who gave their lives in this effort. Those who go off to war do not come back – not any of them. Some are dead, and memory is all we have of them. In my jewelry box is the white bar pin that my grandmother was given after WWII because of my uncle’s death in north Africa. Now, we call them the Gold Star Mothers when their child does not come back alive. But, all who go – and all who are caught in the cross fire – have given their lives in various ways.
There is no way to insure that our military can come back unchanged. I know enough neuroscience to understand why this is. Simply put, you cannot teach a still quite plastic brain to shoot to kill and expect this lesson to completely disappear from consciousness when that brain returns to earn its living in a civilian environment. Many can sublimate, some even exhibit resilience (if they have the right genes), but it is there just under the surface….forever.
So, living as we are now in a state of constant confrontation, our nation does little to help those whose pain is both physical and psychic. I see my husband suffering physical pains that derive in part from the tension created by both the threat of terrorism and the amateurish way our leadership deals with this reality, i.e. alternative reality.
We are among the lucky ones. We have our resources marshaled and organized. I have access to actual evidence and information about how to get things done. The VA has helped keep my husband fairly healthy and stable. We know when to stop arguing politics and just do the right thing. We know to help others, which we do as much as we are able.
For those without these advantages, it is much harder. For some, impossible. It is my intention in writing this blog today to bring this reminder forward: About 20 veterans commit suicide daily, with rates among women vets on the rise.
Things everyone can do to help:
- Tell your representatives and senators to support the VA
- Tell your representatives and senators to promote diplomacy
- Assist a veterans’ emergency phone hotline
- Find the nearest group that helps vets and volunteer
- Donate to a legitimate charity that helps veterans
- If you are an employer, hire a veteran
- If you have friends who are veterans, be a real friend – good or bad times, be there
If you are the spouse of a veteran: Be a net. Catch the vet in your safety net when necessary. Let the hard stuff flow through the holes in your net. Just do the work.
Peace.
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