You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘veterans’ tag.
Memorial Day 2017: The land of the free because of the brave. This saying rests over a photo of my husband’s ship entering Havana harbor in the 1950s (before his service). It is a touchstone for him and a reminder to me of my task as the spouse of a PTSD veteran: Living with War.
It has been five years since I last posted to this blog. At that point, I had said everything I knew about my task. I had passed on what I could about problem-solving, and we lived a pretty smooth existence.
But in the time since, my husband and I have aged from 65 to 70, and our country has become locked into a seemingly permanent yet new type of at-war status, including within the nation itself. Recently, our society has moved away from a circle of equality, caring and free speech to a rigid hierarchy of me, people I like, and others who must be squashed.
I am reminded yet again that the disrespect for life war engenders is its horror.
On this day, we especially honor those who gave their lives in this effort. Those who go off to war do not come back – not any of them. Some are dead, and memory is all we have of them. In my jewelry box is the white bar pin that my grandmother was given after WWII because of my uncle’s death in north Africa. Now, we call them the Gold Star Mothers when their child does not come back alive. But, all who go – and all who are caught in the cross fire – have given their lives in various ways.
There is no way to insure that our military can come back unchanged. I know enough neuroscience to understand why this is. Simply put, you cannot teach a still quite plastic brain to shoot to kill and expect this lesson to completely disappear from consciousness when that brain returns to earn its living in a civilian environment. Many can sublimate, some even exhibit resilience (if they have the right genes), but it is there just under the surface….forever.
So, living as we are now in a state of constant confrontation, our nation does little to help those whose pain is both physical and psychic. I see my husband suffering physical pains that derive in part from the tension created by both the threat of terrorism and the amateurish way our leadership deals with this reality, i.e. alternative reality.
We are among the lucky ones. We have our resources marshaled and organized. I have access to actual evidence and information about how to get things done. The VA has helped keep my husband fairly healthy and stable. We know when to stop arguing politics and just do the right thing. We know to help others, which we do as much as we are able.
For those without these advantages, it is much harder. For some, impossible. It is my intention in writing this blog today to bring this reminder forward: About 20 veterans commit suicide daily, with rates among women vets on the rise.
Things everyone can do to help:
- Tell your representatives and senators to support the VA
- Tell your representatives and senators to promote diplomacy
- Assist a veterans’ emergency phone hotline
- Find the nearest group that helps vets and volunteer
- Donate to a legitimate charity that helps veterans
- If you are an employer, hire a veteran
- If you have friends who are veterans, be a real friend – good or bad times, be there
If you are the spouse of a veteran: Be a net. Catch the vet in your safety net when necessary. Let the hard stuff flow through the holes in your net. Just do the work.
Peace.
Yesterday, we hung out our new flag. On this Memorial Day, there is a new generation of veterans returning and we felt it was time to refresh the symbol of our empathy and understanding.
After a long break from writing in this blog, Memorial Day 2012 also inspired me take it up again. It is with some difficulty and emotional discomfort, for personally we have been through a lot since I last posted over two years ago. And, the nation is only beginning to grasp the cost and work to be done to pay back those who have served so bravely and given so much. Pay them back we must.
On this Memorial Day, I want to thank and link to agencies and organizations I know of that are actively working to support the vets. If you know of others, please post them in a comment. Most of these groups have both websites and facebook pages (that I have included) and many can be followed on Twitter. Many have local or regional chapters or facilities.
If one vet or vet’s family can find the help they need because they happened upon this spot, I will feel my time has been well spent.
I’ll start with the VA Health Care system. On facebook: Veterans Administration. No matter what you have heard or read, this is the starting point for health care. I cannot say enough good things about our VA hospital and the fact that it has been the difference between life and death for my spouse. Make contact; go there.
One of the best known groups that helps and supports recent vets is the Wounded Warrior Project. Their target group is warriors wounded following Sept. 11, 2001. You can also connect with them through their WWP facebook page. On their fb page you will find links to PTSD services and other areas of support. There is contact information for suicide prevention, as well.
American Women Veterans is a particularly important recent addition to the support systems for veterans, as women face some unique challenges in their return. They are also on facebook AWV and have links to the first all-female inpatient PTSD clinic, in Salem, VA.
Disabled American Veterans (DAV) is better known to the older vets, but experiencing a regeneration. Also on facebook DAV. It is a good way to keep up on what is happening with policy and funding for disabled vets. Blue Star Families is a support system for and by military families. You can connect through their website or the BSF facebook page.
For us, one of the most important groups is AmVets. This is the organization that aids in the filing of claims. This claims page gives you the information you need, including what documentation is required, to file your claim and helps you find the service officer who can help you. On facebook AmVetsHQ.
So, let me say thank you to all these groups and others who make it their mission to help our troops and veterans. And if you are a veteran or a family wondering about the long term, I hope you will read my previous posts. Start at the beginning.
Being or caring for our veterans is a life-long project. For some it is easier than for others. But, the reality is that we send young, brave people to the battlefield, where – no matter what happens – they see and do things that are hard to comprehend. And these things affect who they are. Some are fortunate…genes and life have provided them with resilience. Others, not so much. But, they are all marked. There are no unwounded warriors.
Health care is a key element of successful living with a disabled veteran. As I mentioned in my previous post, we are so grateful to the VA for the care my husband has received. We could get this help because of the excellent use of technology to organize medical records and deliver care, as well as the commitment to the veterans on the part of staff and care providers.
Here is an op-ed that appeared yesterday (September 3, 2009) in the NY Times that explains in terms better than I can why the VA system is the best health care system in the U.S. Yes, it was written to explain how a government sponsored health care system works when it works well. But, it worries me that if those opposed to health care reform get their way, we will lose this quality of care. If you tell disabled veterans they have to buy their own health insurance privately, the rate of homeless veterans, suicides and divorces will go up. I really don’t know what we would have done without the VA.
To enroll in the eVets program go to this link:
Please check out these links and let me know what you think. Thank you.
The battlefield – like any experience – can be an addiction.
How does this happen? And, what happens when the battlefield comes home?
To answer this, I am going to explain 3 things I have learned in my long, evidence-based search to understand my husband’s mind. These items are:
1) the state of being that causes strong memories to become hard-wired in the brain (otherwise called learned response or addiction)
2) how this learned response produces chronic and debilitating stress when it is repeatedly cued (as in or near the battlefield)
3) what happens when we attempt to dampen this response (as when a soldier comes home or someone goes to rehab)
Item #1: Let’s say I learn that my favorite dog or my grandmother has died in a car crash. My body reacts and stress hormones flow into my bloodstream giving me what is known as a Fight or Flight Response. There is a rush of energy that is intoxicating. Medical students even tell us they like working in the Emergency Department because of this adrenaline rush.
In a dangerous situation, this response improves my survival odds by giving me extra energy and perception. The high energy state in the nervous system causes a strong memory to be hard-wired into the brain. Anytime there is a cue (sight, sound, smell, thought….) that releases that memory, the rush returns to some degree. Living in a violent culture or a battlefield is the kind of experience that produces this energy rush, memory building and learned response or addiction. We have identified this phenomenon as PTSD.
Item #2: When this response is repeatedly cued and the body is constantly full of stress hormones, body tissue is damaged as some of these hormones accumulate or break down over time. Like any system, over use brings damage. The brain/mind is affected as part of this process. But, the rush is intoxicating. To be in the war theater is to live in this constant state of stress addiction.
Item #3: Well, obviously, this is not an ideal preparation for a loving relationship or family. Some individuals will have a greater capacity than others for resilience – or rebounding – from such a background. Over time, the military has learned about this situation and works hard to overcome it. But, this is a very difficult challenge.
For one thing, soldiers entering military culture in their late teens and early 20s are in a developmental phase where their identity is still forming. They are, in essence, forming an identity in which violence is normal.
For another thing, the hard-wiring or addiction to the rush is impossible to remove. Therefore, preparation ahead of time and debriefing after deployment are matters of teaching people how to cope with experiences that are not in their best interest. They can’t be removed. They and we have to learn what to do when they feel the rush.
My conclusions: Before I write down my recommendations to military spouses, I want to extend to the VA system my enormous gratitude for all the help we have received. From our many years experience, I have to say that VA health care is the best health care system in the U.S. today. There are flaws, but the VA is miles ahead of most systems in using technology to implement healthy decisions, especially in light of its daunting mission. And, there is a preventive bent to much of the work we have witnessed or participated in.
That said, there is only so much medicine can do for people returning from the battlefield. Because my husband and I have been able to move from what seemed utter despair to a relatively happy and fulfilled life, here are some things I suggest. If you have others, please click on comments and share them. Thanks.
• learn what triggers cause upset – sometimes avoidance is the only safe strategy
• you cannot replace the bad memories, you can only create new good or bad ones
• keep good records – keep a journal, keep bills, letters, etc
• learn deep breathing and relaxation skills for yourself
• encourage healthy behavior
• maintain the support of others within and outside the military culture
• never lose patience but never submerge your identity completely in your spouse’s
• if there are physical or mental health issues, connect yourselves to the VA
I am writing this blog as things come up that I think might help others who are living with disabled veterans or those whose mental state is worrisome.
Today I want to say something reassuring. While neither my husband nor I are living quite the life we expected, we are okay. It is work and has been for 30 years.
When we met, he was functioning well – what I now think of as compensating really well for images in his mind that he can never get rid of. He has seen and participated in war. His injuries are not at first apparent, because they are neurologic/brain damage, and you don’t see them like you would a missing limb.
The hardest part is the memories, which recede but do not go away. When there is a new military action, those memories crowd around the present. Time becomes confusing. Stress is overwhelming. I have been in the hospital, helping care for my husband, and talked to the veterans and their families. We all struggle when there is a new military action.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if the damage were more outward. But that has its own difficulties. I have helped care for my mom in a wheelchair and the damage is with you all the time anyway. It’s physically challenging in a different way. With my husband I am tired from the constant drain on emotions and intellect. With my mom is was the lifting and carrying.
But the memories are what get to you.
How do I deal with it? Sometimes, I don’t. I turn my back on it and say I have to do this or that, or there’s no food or gas. Or even, if I don’t do this or that, there’s no me. I will have to come back to it and it might be harder later, but maybe not. Mostly, I run my own little mental tape: “War is evil and hard; we ask our young ones to go; they go; but they don’t come back – ever – the same as before; love them as much as possible because there is no other way to make it up to them.”
Sometimes at night, when we are all in the bed…husband, memories, self and two dogs…I listen to them all snoring and think: “This is the best it can be; I managed this; we are all here, okay, well fed. They can sleep peacefully and that is what matters.”
Sooner or later, the mental and emotional damage all our veterans bring home affects our culture. You may not see it now, but I have been looking at it for nearly 30 years. You need to open your eyes. The damage is everywhere.
Some of it is evident…every generation of combat veterans constitutes a large percentage of the homeless. I find this is no surprise.
Sure, you see it, but do you “see” it?
They are searching for where they belong. We are all searching for this. But for them, there is no place. If they are lucky family is there when they come home. But, they may be too damaged to find any security at home. Some – many – will flee.
Some – many – will not be able to find peace and will take their own lives or try to. It is hard to see this much damage first hand. I have seen it. And, I have stopped suicide. I cannot possibly explain to you hard this was. I just want to try. That’s why I started this blog.
PTSD Spouse 
Recent Comments