Dealing With Anger

I think my husband’s anger has been the most difficult thing for me to accept. This powerful emotion – or affect – appears at times when there is no discernible cause. Maybe the topic is what to have for dinner, or whether to go to the movies, or which car to drive some place…common, every day things. But this huge rage appears and blocks out everything else. There is no match between the size of the anger and the importance of the topic.

What is going on? Psychologists, psychiatrists and neuropsychiatrists explain this as perhaps part of the guilt that survivors feel, or anger from losing friends, or an underlying rage or despair from what the veteran has seen. But, I suspect a more malevolent force is in play:  It is the by-product of the military’s need to keep personnel in a chronic stress situation…ever alert, ready to strike, ready to kill; always afraid of the enemy.

Of course, one can see that having a quarter of a million people in this state at any given time is often perceived as a great advantage on the world stage. Unfortunately, when unleashed into the general population, this same group is disabled by the constant adrenaline rush and the notion it is okay to attack. In the worst case situations we see spouse abuse or even murder, drug addiction, suicide and homelessness. But even in the milder version we see withdrawal from family and friends at times, and the mystery of all the anger.

Well, the anger helps disperse the pent up energy to which adrenaline provides access. Some become workaholics, some take up running, some become hoarders. That nervous energy is forever coursing through the body. The eruption is the release.

Whose responsibility is it to deal with this situation? Some veterans take it upon themselves and for years and years and years they sublimate until one day it comes out and they are surprised by it. A very few, I think, truly understand its nature and can actually act in a conscious way to redirect the energy into something productive. But even so, I see sadness sometimes…true raw emotion, tears, a profound sense of loss. Redirection ultimately means losing that manic high that accompanies the adrenaline rush.

The military and the VA try to help. It’s categorized and groups are formed around issues. Research is undertaken. Counseling takes place. Things are explained to those being discharged. Lately, there has been discussion of the need to do preventive counseling when personnel are discharged, rather than wait to see who gets PTSD. It is starting to register that this is the natural outcome of the necessary training.

Families try to help. Some have more success than others. Some have more resources. Some can hold their veterans close enough that the need to flee (fight or flight, all part of the adrenaline rush) is not as strong as the bonds to stay.

So, how do I deal with the anger when it shows up? For a long time, I was simply baffled. I tried dozens of approaches. Rational argument first, but now long gone, was no match for the forces at hand. Yelling…not a great plan, but sometimes effective. But, that is just too tiring. Listening has worked best. There is still the anger and the demands for answers – and of course there is no answer to the endless non-sequitors. What do you say to “I don’t care if we have steak,” followed by “Answer me!”?

But listening helps. On a purely physical level, the angry energy gets used up. It’s not personal. I am fortunate in that my husband is not a violent person and had it instilled in him from a young age by his father not to hurt women. But, not everyone is so lucky.

So, the first rule is safety. Be safe.

Second, listen. It helps.

It may not solve everything, but it dispels the energy and eventually you may hear what’s underneath. Eventually, I heard things underneath. I heard the sadness of the life intended but taken away because of the physical and emotional damage. I heard the pain of what he saw with his own eyes that told him people could do horrible things to other human beings that they didn’t even know. I heard how hard he worked to act normal upon his return, but how his own behavior betrayed him.

There isn’t a solution to this dilemma. As long as we need military forces, we will need to do this to some people. Even when (I like to say when, not if) we figure out we need to use our genius to get off the planet not fight each other over its resources, we will need brave souls willing to stay in chronic stress to protect our people.

So, we owe them this much: Listen, care, and say thank you every time you see a young person in uniform or a grizzled veteran.